Recent Struggles

Psalm 51[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
    to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
    in burnt offerings offered whole;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 51:1 In Hebrew texts 51:1-19 is numbered 51:3-21.
2. Psalm 51:17 Or The sacrifices of God are

Psalm 142[a]

A maskil[b] of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.

1 I cry aloud to the Lord;
    I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
    before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
    it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
    people have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
    no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
    no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, Lord;
    I say, “You are my refuge,
    my portion in the land of the living.”

6 Listen to my cry,
    for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
    for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
    that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
    because of your goodness to me.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 142:1 In Hebrew texts 142:1-7 is numbered 142:2-8.
2. Psalm 142:1 Title: Probably a literary or musical term

David wrote Psalm 51 after God sent Nathan to rebuke David for committing adultery with Bathesheba and for plotting to make Bathesheba's husband, Uriah, get killed in a war by placing him in the front-line of the battlefield(in which his plot succeeded). Verse 8 writes, "Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice"

In contrast, Psalm 142 was written in a time of persecution, where David fled to a cave. He cried out to God telling Him of his desperate need and asking God to rescue him. Verse 6 writes, "Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me."

God never promised an easy life for the people who followed Him. The Psalm is full of distress and pleas for help. It is full of cries and brokenness. It is a life of struggle. A struggle against the flesh and desires of the sinful self, against the stress and trying circumstances that the world brings. 

One who knows the love of God will know, the guilt and shame that befalls you when you betray the God whom you claimed to love. When you do that which displeases Him. When you allow sin to reign and doubt to creep in. When you know that God is holy and how you have fallen short of His glory. How scary it is, when you feel that you have done that which separates you from Him, and that joy and gladness is taken away from you. 

On top of that, the world may not be any friendlier to you. Some of us are born in privileged environments, while others, in harsh conditions. Regardless, we struggle and suffer. It may be the overwhelming school assignments that is piling up, or the tiresome work that pays little. It may be a loved one who is battling with sickness, or a less well-off village that suffers from hunger and malnutrition. In many other times, it is the battle we face in our inner most self. The anxiety, self-doubt, depression. 

The world looks dark at times. I see darkness in myself. Oh the times where I have allowed myself to be engulfed by work. The stress that kicks from exams that made me unloving, inpatient, not peaceable, dishonoring to my parents. Signs that showed I was not taken over by God's Spirit, but by anything other than that. The weaknesses in the flesh that allowed evil thoughts to creep in and to seek gratification of the desires of the sinful nature. The sexual impurity that I fell to. I see how far I have caused myself to be distant from a Holy God.

And yet, God says He provides. Today, there was a prayer meeting in the business school in NUS. I was supposed to play the guitar. I made my way to school, and when I was about five MRT stops away from my home, I realized I forgot to bring the guitar. I told the person who was leading the worship that I was so sorry, I had forgotten to bring the guitar. He kindly replied "Guess we can acapella then haha". I checked my messages, and saw the reminder to bring the discipleship group materials that we will be using later in the day. I realized I forgot to bring it as well. Man... whats happening? I felt so disoriented. I reached the business school, open the door, and saw the person leading the worship holding a guitar. He remembered a friend who was staying in one of the halls in school who has a guitar and he managed to borrow from him. Later that evening during the discipleship group, it turned out that the materials wasn't used much, and I had my notebook to take down the things that were being taught. In my disorientation, God reminded me that He provides.

But more than the guitar, more than any material things, the greatest provision was made on the cross. The death of Jesus Christ. The provision of our sins. My spiritual death, I deserved. But Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." God knew there was no way that we could come to Him with our own strength. No way, through our works and our efforts that we could ever reach Him. But He says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me." And Paul says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nether height nor depth, nor anythings else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Yes, the Psalm is full of cries and brokenness. But it is also full of praise and thanksgiving. It is full of restoration and grace. David says, "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy." "For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living." 

Likewise I will do the same. I will cry out for mercy. For I know that I am a sinner and that in light of God's holiness and righteousness, and His justice, I deserve punishment. I will pray for clean hands and clean hearts, because God is holy and righteous, and I want to be like Him. And I will thank Him for His grace, because I can receive that which I do not deserve. By His grace, I will call on God, and call Him my Lord, and my Savior.  

Heavy heart

I dare not take it for granted that God, You are someone I can always turn to when my heart is heavy. 

2016 Thanksgiving

I am thankful to God for year 2016. There were ups, there were downs. Being in University has never really been easy for me, where there were many many times I needed to step out of my comfort zone. So often have I fell short of God's standard: thinking, saying, and doing things which are not pleasing to God; having an undesirable attitude; doubting Him despite what He has done in my life. In spite of my iniquities, I had the privilege to be able to work with and for God to do mission work, be part of Cru's Vision Tea team, serve in Church, as well as to lead someone to pray to receive Christ into his life. This year, I've experience the joy of serving Him out of obedience. And that is God's love and grace for me. God's unconditional love - regardless of what I do or what I do not do, God still loves me. Grace - receiving that which I do not deserve. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) This is God's love and grace for us.

During the watchnight service, many testimonies of thanksgiving were being shared. What an indescribable feeling, seeing how God has been faithful in my life and in the lives of my brothers and sisters in Christ. How immensely comforting it is to know that someone as great and mighty as my God, has been with us and seen us through the big and small things of the past year.