Pain in Palu

Here in Singapore, many of us experience the daily hustle and bustle of the city life. We go through each day of school, work, and leisure activities. Sometimes, the comfort of life can cause us to be desensitized to the pain and suffering happening in the world.

I was brought to the other side of life, as my parents sent me into A&E. I am now having gastroenteritis, commonly known as “stomach flu”. I was severely dehydrated and was sent to the observation ward. They put me on IV drip to bring my body’s water level back to normal.

Before receiving the care from the hospital, things were quite bad at home. I was having voluminous amount of diarrhoea and was vomiting out almost everything I ate and drank. It was tough. At the A&E, I also saw much pain and suffering. There was an uncle who was talking to my dad in Hokkien. I could not understand much, but I could understand that he had kidney problems, amidst many other problems, and was often in and out of the hospital. I was talking to another uncle and his wife, where the uncle got sent to the A&E because of a fall he had at home because of some issues with his prosthetic leg. I was also hearing of the stories of sickness that other people in the ward had, of the surgeries and treatment that they had received.

As I was unable to take in any food or water, my heart went out to the people in Palu who are affected by the earthquake and tsunami. More than 1300 lives have been lost. The emotional anguish of losing a loved one must be painful. This is accompanied with the lack of food, water, and medical help.

I realized how important support was in my time of need and helplessness. The people who prayed for me and checked in on me, my family who decided to send me to the A&E and my parents who accompanied me there. God does not want us to turn a blind eye to those who are in need. Offer your support. Pray for them. Help in whatever ways you can.

“Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world.  For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’ – Matthew 25:34-36

Jesus Himself ministered to the sick and hungry. He came primarily to die on the cross, to fulfil the requirements of the just, paying the penalty for the sins of humankind – death. Life is more than just food and clothing. Life is knowing who our creator is, His intent in creation, and being connected to Him. But Jesus knows food and clothing are things we need. And He wants us to care for the physical needs of others too. 

Jesus Himself identifies with our pain and suffering. No King is greater than the One who humbled Himself, even unto death upon the cross. Jesus has been tempted as we are, been without food as we have been (Matthew 4:1-2), scorned and mocked (Matthew 27:29), and eventually went through one of the most painful ways to die ever invented by the human hands. Sometimes, in our pain, we do not need words of wisdom, but simply a hand to hold on to. Jesus stretches His hand to us.

In the midst of pain and suffering, God is still sovereign. Jesus did not succumb to temptation, survived 40 days and nights of fasting, and is even victorious over death. However, in the face of difficult times, we can often wrestle with God’s sovereignty. Jesus’ disciples’ hope of a Saviour must have been crushed seeing Jesus defeated upon the cross. They did not understand what Jesus meant previously when He said that the Son of Man will be raised up on the third day. (Matthew 17:23) 

But when Jesus rose from the dead and appeared to the disciples, the disciples were filled with hope, and fervent for the gospel to be proclaimed. They were even willing to face persecution and to give up their lives for the sake of the gospel. There is hope anchored firmly in the character of God in the midst of pain and suffering. God is good. God is love. God is sovereign.

I woke up today to the fresh air of the morning. The newness of the morning felt refreshing. I am still having diarrhoea, but things are much better now. God too, is making all things new. One day, we will behold Him in the fullness of His Glory. All the pain and suffering that has been experienced here on earth will pale in comparison to the majesty of our Holy God. (Revelation 22:1-5) 

Things in Palu are not well. May we all help in whatever ways we can, and support be sent to the people in need. Things can be hard, but Jesus identifies with the suffering of the people. And may hope arise as people turn to God and trust in His sovereignty in the midst of tough times.

Hard Heart Lessons

"“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." 
Matthew 6:25-34

Perhaps, the hardest lessons for us to learn are the heart lessons. A Christian who has attended church from young may 'know' many things about who God is, what God has done, and what He desires of us. A christian may 'know' that God is a God of love. He/she may 'know' that God is reliable and one in whom we can trust. He/she may 'know' that God provides.

Yet, we may not believe in our hearts that God truly loves us. We may not believe that God is really dependable. We may say with our mouth that we believe in these things, but our actions give us away. We may know these things in our head, we may not know these things in our hearts.

And so Jesus was speaking in Matthew 6. He says that He cares even for the birds of the air, and the flowers of the field. Surely then, our worries and troubles do not escape Him. We are the foremost of His creation, and much more valuable in His eyes than the birds or the flowers. How do I know this? Well, perhaps many reasons may be given. Let me just say two of them. For one, we were made in God's image. (Gen 1:27) We resemble God in different ways, from humans' rationality, to creativity, and to moral capability. Secondly, we are valuable enough for God Himself to humble Himself unto to cross and to die for us. 

Personally, last semester was pretty intense. I was taking 4 philosophy modules. As of the start of the second last week of school, I had 5 things that were due by the last day of school. Thankfully, I submitted everything on time (1 of the 5 assignments' deadline was extended). And amazingly, I (mostly) had a sense of peace through the process and that was really precious to me. From my past experiences, I think I am someone who gets stressed pretty easily. But I am learning to trust in God and to depend on Him. I am learning that God provides for my needs. 

I was not always as trustful towards God as I was last semester. Previously, there was once when I was in charged of planning for my CCA's booth during NUS's Student Life Fair. I got so stressed up that I couldn't function well, and my heart was beating faster than normal. I was definitely in a state of anxiousness. It was not a nice feeling. Then I told God, acknowledging that the booth was His work, and I wanted to commit myself and the event fully into His hands. Peace came, God brought my team through the Student Life Fair, and I saw how He provided. I was able to learn to trust God through the hard times.

The hardest lessons for us to learn may be the heart lessons. Perhaps this is because they cannot really be taught through reading or hearing. They have to be experienced. God can use the difficult times to teach us what it means to trust Him, to know that He is our provider. I know that God provides, when I saw how He provided for my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs.

Recent Struggles

Psalm 51[a]

For the director of music. A psalm of David. When the prophet Nathan came to him after David had committed adultery with Bathsheba.

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
    according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
    blot out my transgressions.
2 Wash away all my iniquity
    and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
    and my sin is always before me.
4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
    and done what is evil in your sight;
so you are right in your verdict
    and justified when you judge.
5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
    sinful from the time my mother conceived me.
6 Yet you desired faithfulness even in the womb;
    you taught me wisdom in that secret place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
    wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.
8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
    let the bones you have crushed rejoice.
9 Hide your face from my sins
    and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
    and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
11 Do not cast me from your presence
    or take your Holy Spirit from me.
12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
    and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.

13 Then I will teach transgressors your ways,
    so that sinners will turn back to you.
14 Deliver me from the guilt of bloodshed, O God,
    you who are God my Savior,
    and my tongue will sing of your righteousness.
15 Open my lips, Lord,
    and my mouth will declare your praise.
16 You do not delight in sacrifice, or I would bring it;
    you do not take pleasure in burnt offerings.
17 My sacrifice, O God, is[b] a broken spirit;
    a broken and contrite heart
    you, God, will not despise.

18 May it please you to prosper Zion,
    to build up the walls of Jerusalem.
19 Then you will delight in the sacrifices of the righteous,
    in burnt offerings offered whole;
    then bulls will be offered on your altar.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 51:1 In Hebrew texts 51:1-19 is numbered 51:3-21.
2. Psalm 51:17 Or The sacrifices of God are

Psalm 142[a]

A maskil[b] of David. When he was in the cave. A prayer.

1 I cry aloud to the Lord;
    I lift up my voice to the Lord for mercy.
2 I pour out before him my complaint;
    before him I tell my trouble.

3 When my spirit grows faint within me,
    it is you who watch over my way.
In the path where I walk
    people have hidden a snare for me.
4 Look and see, there is no one at my right hand;
    no one is concerned for me.
I have no refuge;
    no one cares for my life.

5 I cry to you, Lord;
    I say, “You are my refuge,
    my portion in the land of the living.”

6 Listen to my cry,
    for I am in desperate need;
rescue me from those who pursue me,
    for they are too strong for me.
7 Set me free from my prison,
    that I may praise your name.
Then the righteous will gather about me
    because of your goodness to me.

Footnotes:

1. Psalm 142:1 In Hebrew texts 142:1-7 is numbered 142:2-8.
2. Psalm 142:1 Title: Probably a literary or musical term

David wrote Psalm 51 after God sent Nathan to rebuke David for committing adultery with Bathesheba and for plotting to make Bathesheba's husband, Uriah, get killed in a war by placing him in the front-line of the battlefield(in which his plot succeeded). Verse 8 writes, "Let me hear joy and gladness; let the bones you have crushed rejoice"

In contrast, Psalm 142 was written in a time of persecution, where David fled to a cave. He cried out to God telling Him of his desperate need and asking God to rescue him. Verse 6 writes, "Listen to my cry, for I am in desperate need; rescue me from those who pursue me, for they are too strong for me."

God never promised an easy life for the people who followed Him. The Psalm is full of distress and pleas for help. It is full of cries and brokenness. It is a life of struggle. A struggle against the flesh and desires of the sinful self, against the stress and trying circumstances that the world brings. 

One who knows the love of God will know, the guilt and shame that befalls you when you betray the God whom you claimed to love. When you do that which displeases Him. When you allow sin to reign and doubt to creep in. When you know that God is holy and how you have fallen short of His glory. How scary it is, when you feel that you have done that which separates you from Him, and that joy and gladness is taken away from you. 

On top of that, the world may not be any friendlier to you. Some of us are born in privileged environments, while others, in harsh conditions. Regardless, we struggle and suffer. It may be the overwhelming school assignments that is piling up, or the tiresome work that pays little. It may be a loved one who is battling with sickness, or a less well-off village that suffers from hunger and malnutrition. In many other times, it is the battle we face in our inner most self. The anxiety, self-doubt, depression. 

The world looks dark at times. I see darkness in myself. Oh the times where I have allowed myself to be engulfed by work. The stress that kicks from exams that made me unloving, inpatient, not peaceable, dishonoring to my parents. Signs that showed I was not taken over by God's Spirit, but by anything other than that. The weaknesses in the flesh that allowed evil thoughts to creep in and to seek gratification of the desires of the sinful nature. The sexual impurity that I fell to. I see how far I have caused myself to be distant from a Holy God.

And yet, God says He provides. Today, there was a prayer meeting in the business school in NUS. I was supposed to play the guitar. I made my way to school, and when I was about five MRT stops away from my home, I realized I forgot to bring the guitar. I told the person who was leading the worship that I was so sorry, I had forgotten to bring the guitar. He kindly replied "Guess we can acapella then haha". I checked my messages, and saw the reminder to bring the discipleship group materials that we will be using later in the day. I realized I forgot to bring it as well. Man... whats happening? I felt so disoriented. I reached the business school, open the door, and saw the person leading the worship holding a guitar. He remembered a friend who was staying in one of the halls in school who has a guitar and he managed to borrow from him. Later that evening during the discipleship group, it turned out that the materials wasn't used much, and I had my notebook to take down the things that were being taught. In my disorientation, God reminded me that He provides.

But more than the guitar, more than any material things, the greatest provision was made on the cross. The death of Jesus Christ. The provision of our sins. My spiritual death, I deserved. But Jesus said, "I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be condemned; he has crossed over from death to life." God knew there was no way that we could come to Him with our own strength. No way, through our works and our efforts that we could ever reach Him. But He says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father, except through me." And Paul says, "For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, nether height nor depth, nor anythings else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Yes, the Psalm is full of cries and brokenness. But it is also full of praise and thanksgiving. It is full of restoration and grace. David says, "I love the Lord, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy." "For you, O LORD, have delivered my soul from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling, that I may walk before the LORD in the land of the living." 

Likewise I will do the same. I will cry out for mercy. For I know that I am a sinner and that in light of God's holiness and righteousness, and His justice, I deserve punishment. I will pray for clean hands and clean hearts, because God is holy and righteous, and I want to be like Him. And I will thank Him for His grace, because I can receive that which I do not deserve. By His grace, I will call on God, and call Him my Lord, and my Savior.  

Heavy heart

I dare not take it for granted that God, You are someone I can always turn to when my heart is heavy. 

2016 Thanksgiving

I am thankful to God for year 2016. There were ups, there were downs. Being in University has never really been easy for me, where there were many many times I needed to step out of my comfort zone. So often have I fell short of God's standard: thinking, saying, and doing things which are not pleasing to God; having an undesirable attitude; doubting Him despite what He has done in my life. In spite of my iniquities, I had the privilege to be able to work with and for God to do mission work, be part of Cru's Vision Tea team, serve in Church, as well as to lead someone to pray to receive Christ into his life. This year, I've experience the joy of serving Him out of obedience. And that is God's love and grace for me. God's unconditional love - regardless of what I do or what I do not do, God still loves me. Grace - receiving that which I do not deserve. 

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:8) "For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." (John 3:16) This is God's love and grace for us.

During the watchnight service, many testimonies of thanksgiving were being shared. What an indescribable feeling, seeing how God has been faithful in my life and in the lives of my brothers and sisters in Christ. How immensely comforting it is to know that someone as great and mighty as my God, has been with us and seen us through the big and small things of the past year. 

 

Ruins to Life

There was this once where I felt disconnected from people and from God. It was perhaps due to my introverted nature as I was surrounded with a group of people for an extended period of time, that I grew tired emotionally. Added on to that was a seed of doubt that had somehow taken root in my heart. I doubted in Jesus as I was reading up on Judaism and reasons why Jesus is not the messiah. I thought I had fought away these doubts but apparently it was still there.

I remember that day when a Christian song was playing but.. but the song did not mean anything to me. I couldn't connect with the lyrics of the song as it sang about Jesus. I recall feeling quite terrible at that time with a sense of emptiness in my heart. It was a very real and frightening feeling. In that state, I went into prayer and cried out to God, 'Save me.. Save me God,' several times.

The next day, I looked through some Christian song sheets that I have from all the times I had served in the church band and played a song called 'Glorious Ruins' on the guitar. It touched me deeply. I wept as I sang. I knew God was restoring me. I could understand and relate to every words of the song. I was in ruins. Then I came to life.

This is the song.

Right now, as I am listening to 'Glorious Ruins', I flipped through the bible and came to the verses in Psalm 116. I am reminded of that which I had gone through as recounted above. Verse 3 says 'I was overcome by trouble and sorrow'. Then, verse 7 and 8 says, 'Return to your rest, my soul, for the Lord has been good to you. For you, O Lord, have delivered me from death, my eyes from tears, my feet from stumbling,' I came to a deeper understanding of how our souls crave. Without Him, our souls will never be at rest, because we were meant to be with Him. 

Psalm 116

1 I love the Lord, for he heard my voice;
    he heard my cry for mercy.
2 Because he turned his ear to me,
    I will call on him as long as I live.

3 The cords of death entangled me,
    the anguish of the grave came over me;
    I was overcome by distress and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
    “Lord, save me!”

5 The Lord is gracious and righteous;
    our God is full of compassion.
6 The Lord protects the unwary;
    when I was brought low, he saved me.

7 Return to your rest, my soul,
    for the Lord has been good to you.

8 For you, Lord, have delivered me from death,
    my eyes from tears,
    my feet from stumbling,
9 that I may walk before the Lord
    in the land of the living.

10 I trusted in the Lord when I said,
    “I am greatly afflicted”;
11 in my alarm I said,
    “Everyone is a liar.”

12 What shall I return to the Lord
    for all his goodness to me?

13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
    and call on the name of the Lord.
14 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people.

15 Precious in the sight of the Lord
    is the death of his faithful servants.
16 Truly I am your servant, Lord;
    I serve you just as my mother did;
    you have freed me from my chains.

17 I will sacrifice a thank offering to you
    and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
    in the presence of all his people,
19 in the courts of the house of the Lord—
    in your midst, Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord.